Speaking of school....

This weekend my graduating class from high school is holding a small, informal get together. Reunion-ish I guess. It's starting with a gathering in the park with our kidlets in the afternoon, and followed by a night of drinking and dancing at a local watering hole.

I was all gung ho for it at first, and even had a hand in getting it started. But as the day gets closer.... I dunno. I'm starting to think I don't want to go. I know a few of my old high school friends read this blog, so please don't be offended by this post.

High school wasn't the most pleasant experience for me. In grade 9 I was accused of being a devil worshipper - I was the early "goth" - so in grade 10 I tried to reinvent myself. My attire went from kind of black and gloomy to mainly Polo and Lacost. Such a follower I became. Bahhhhh!

But I felt like it still didn't work. I wasn't unpopular, but I never felt really well liked either. Just kind of "there". The person people hung out with when there was nobody else around to hang out with, know what I mean? If your friends ditched you, go find Jo. She would entertain you. I wasn't invited to do fun things like weekend camping trips, I didn't go to a lot of house parties, and I didn't have a best friend forever who I walked through the halls with arm in arm or passed notes to in class. I was the unmemorable one I guess. Another cog in the wheel.

I have visions of attending this gathering this weekend and having the same feelings of loneliness I had in high school flood back over me. I don't want to stand off to the side like a wallflower while everyone shares their stories of good times that I wasn't involved in. I don't want to have to grin and feel false, because at least feeling false I would feel something. There are only a handful of people outside of the ones I keep regular contact with that I would really like to see, and of course my insecurity makes me ask, "But do they want to see me?"

I'm torn. I've bounced it back and forth in my head for the last 2 days. I'm told it will be "fun", and I'm sure it will be for most. But it's not when you are the insignificant one. When you are the one feeling left out and lonely. Do I want to put myself through that torture....again? I'm thinking not.


Decisions, decisions. I think I am making this a lot harder than it is, as I am apt to do...


amy said...

I wouldn't be keen on a highschool reunion, but that is mainly because I f*d up my graduating year, and ended up graduating the next year. Bah.

One thing that I have found, is that the people that either a)ignored me, b) never knew me (so I thought), c) had a problem with me or d) I didn't care much about/had a problem with... are now SO much more mature.

I know, who knew eh? People who I thought wouldn't take a moment out of their day have said hi to me, searched me out etc. It has been a while, most of us have our own kids, and we realize that high school was SO important back then, and isn't now.

I say go. Have fun, leave if you're not.

ryc @ Xanga: Thank you so much for your comment! Defrag'ing makes sense. I got a couple of yoga dvds, and now that I'm going to make sure I get up in the morning with Dh, I'm going to try them out. The writing is immensely theraputic, but what I'm suddenly finding is that my friends are getting tied up in knots about me, because unfortunately that's all I've been writing about. I have to find a balance that works out for me, and doesn't unnecessarily alarm them hahaha, without defeating my purpose.

Thanks again!
Amy :-)

Jo said...

Hey Amy,

Something you said struck a chord. I too have been surprised lately by people that I thought a) either didn't know me very well, or b) I thought didn't really like me much. There are a few such people who I have built a different sort of relationship with since highschool, and all I had to do was think to them and realize - yes. People change (including me). It's all good!

Good luck with your yoga DVD's! That will be great for you once you really get into it. Keep on writing! It's good for you!