This weekend my graduating class from high school is holding a small, informal get together. Reunion-ish I guess. It's starting with a gathering in the park with our kidlets in the afternoon, and followed by a night of drinking and dancing at a local watering hole.
I was all gung ho for it at first, and even had a hand in getting it started. But as the day gets closer.... I dunno. I'm starting to think I don't want to go. I know a few of my old high school friends read this blog, so please don't be offended by this post.
High school wasn't the most pleasant experience for me. In grade 9 I was accused of being a devil worshipper - I was the early "goth" - so in grade 10 I tried to reinvent myself. My attire went from kind of black and gloomy to mainly Polo and Lacost. Such a follower I became. Bahhhhh!
But I felt like it still didn't work. I wasn't unpopular, but I never felt really well liked either. Just kind of "there". The person people hung out with when there was nobody else around to hang out with, know what I mean? If your friends ditched you, go find Jo. She would entertain you. I wasn't invited to do fun things like weekend camping trips, I didn't go to a lot of house parties, and I didn't have a best friend forever who I walked through the halls with arm in arm or passed notes to in class. I was the unmemorable one I guess. Another cog in the wheel.
I have visions of attending this gathering this weekend and having the same feelings of loneliness I had in high school flood back over me. I don't want to stand off to the side like a wallflower while everyone shares their stories of good times that I wasn't involved in. I don't want to have to grin and feel false, because at least feeling false I would feel something. There are only a handful of people outside of the ones I keep regular contact with that I would really like to see, and of course my insecurity makes me ask, "But do they want to see me?"
I'm torn. I've bounced it back and forth in my head for the last 2 days. I'm told it will be "fun", and I'm sure it will be for most. But it's not when you are the insignificant one. When you are the one feeling left out and lonely. Do I want to put myself through that torture....again? I'm thinking not.
Decisions, decisions. I think I am making this a lot harder than it is, as I am apt to do...